Thursday, 19 June 2014

Confessional A-Z

Inspired by this post from Just A Normal Mummy (if you dont read her blog, you should, shes hilarious), here is my confessional A-Z as a mum of a toddler and a newborn.

A: is for Advice, no matter how much you dont want/need it, your going to get lots of it. Family, friends, online acquaintances, even strangers will suddenly want to offload all thier parenting ideals onto you. Heaven forbid you dont follow thier advice (how rude you are!) and be prepared for the plentiful 'I told you so's' when things go tits up.
B: is for Breastfeeding, or my toddler screaming BOOBS around Asda, or the funny looks I get in the cafe as my newborn decides that he wants to do acrobatic breastfeeding today and flails around while his lips are firmly planted across my nipple (See: Niplash)
C: is for Coffee, Because otherwise you wouldnt make it through the day.
D: is for Dinnertime, otherwise known as 'Battle of the chicken nuggets'. I commend any of you mothers that have the energy to cook healthy nutrious meals all the time. Im violently jealous if your child actually eats them. Ive lost count of all the beautiful meals Ive scraped into the bin because little madam wanted a cheesestring and a bag of crisps.
E: is for Early Mornings, which is a 'nice' way of saying that you arent going to sleep properly for about 5 years, add more time if you have another child. Its like slow torture.
F: is for Fuck/Bollocks/Bastard/Crap/Twat etc, its still funny when they say it. But you have to keep a straight face. DO NOT LAUGH.
G: is for Gullible, If anyone is daft enough to offer babysitting services, TAKE THEM UP ON IT. So long as the children arent on fire when you get home, consider them your best friend.
H: is for How things used to be, no matter how shit it was, you`ll find yourself sometimes pining after those long ago days when you were just you. Not a mum. Not a cook/cleaner/dairy cow. They will never be like that again.
I: is for In a minute, every time I say it I hope and pray that she understand its true meaning (bog off for a few minutes while I quietly rock myself sane), but it never works.
J: is for Just one more time, its never the last time. Never. Prepare for a tantrum EVERY time you want to cease an activity your child likes. I have been known to literally drag my child out of a park while she clug onto the gate with a scary amount of strength.
K: is for Keep Out, or rather, not. Privacy is a thing of the past. Need a wee? Have an audience. Need a shit? Dolly will have to come watch too. Giving birth? Oh, heres some stirrups and 10 student midwifes so stare intently at your expanding vagina.
L: is for Laundry, and how is NEVER ENDS. Just did 6 loads of washing, hung it out to dry and then put it all away (I dont even own an ironing board so no, I dont iron)? Hah, heres another full laundry basket, oh wait, the baby puked, more to wash, wait wait, the toddler decided she wanted to bathe in pasta sauce fully dressed, enjoy.
M: is for Mummy, we all know it, you spend months and months trying to get them to say that special magical word, then they do and its amazing. Until you realise that now you cant stop them saying it. It will be the soundtrack of your life for the next few years. Get used to it.
N: is for Niplash, baby interested in something while feeding, dont expect them to be polite and drop the nip before they whip thier neck around to have a nosy, nope, they`ll take that fucker with them.
O: is for Other half, Im sure there are some decent ones out there, rare mystical beasts. But most of us are lumbered with a overgrown child that enevitably makes more work for us in the long run.
P: is for Peppa Fucking Pig, good lord do I despise that self-important whiny little bitch. I swear if I hear "More Peppa Pig please mummy" one more time (especially after 3 straight hours of it) I might track down the creator and burn them at the stake as a witch.
Q: is for Quiet time, and how it doesnt fucking exist.
R: is for Rushed, you always used to have so much time for everything. Now everything is rushed, all your activities must be squeezed into the 3 minute gap you have when you wake up before the toddler realises your awake.
S: is for Social life, not.gonna.happen. same goes for Sleep.
T: is for Tantrums, currently the bane of my life. One day you have this wonderful hysterical little child. The next they wake up like they have taken training direct from the devil. Screaming and bashing thier fists into the ground. Take my aunties advice, if your out with a friend, turn to them and loudly say 'GOD, CANT YOU CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN' and walk out.
U: is for Uniform, not school uniform. Mummy uniform. Usually consisting of dirty jeans/leggings. Dirty baggy tshirt/vest. Trainers or boots you had to dig jammy bread out of before you put them on. Brushing your hair is a luxury of the past. Make-up is a distant memory.
V: is for Vacuuming, its pointless, they`ll make the mess again in 3 seconds flat.
W: is for Window Licker, WHY must my child have to be a window licker? Cannot deal with any more spit trails across my windows.
X: is for X-rated, also, never gonna happen.
Y: is for Yeah sure, why not. For when you`ve given up. Because you will. After you toddler has asked you 16 million times that day if they can paint thier bedroom with glitter glue and spit. Eventually you`ll break and then out it comes. Yeah sure, why not. If only so you get 30 seconds to yourself before they start gagging on the glitter.
Z: is for Zombie, a toddler and a newborn is likely to suck all of the life out of you. No sleep, constantly cleaning or wrestling with a tantrumming toddler, its enough to turn anyone into a flesh-eating monster.

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